I have decided to start writing my experience in the Mormon church and how I ended up leaving and becoming an atheist. I am not the best writer, but I hope this is of some interest to people and may even help those who might be thinking of leaving.
When I was 17 I finally read the Book of Mormon for the first time. Growing up, I found scripture reading to be very boring and would either do a very half-assed job of it or not do it at all. I would often feel guilty about it, but not guilty enough to actually do it. This changed when I was 17 for two reasons. First, every Mormon is expected to read the whole book of Mormon and pray about it. They are told they will receive an answer for themselves so they can know the church is true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet. Seems simple enough. And second, I was going to go on a mission for the church at 19 and I felt the pressure of having to be ready to go.
Before I go on, let me explain the idea of a mission in the Mormon church. Every young man in the church was expected to go on a mission at 19 (it has now been changed to 18). I was told for as long as I could remember that god wanted me to go on a mission and that it was my special calling as part of the true church. It was hammered into me over and over. I was generally a good kid who trusted my parents and church leaders and I just assumed the church to be true and that the mission was just part of my life. Along with college and getting married, the mission was just something you did to grow up.
So when I turned 17, I really started to feel like I should do my effort and gain more of a testimony about the church. I set out to read the book of Mormon and I really did try to do it sincerely. I would take notes of parts that I found inspirational and I would start again when I started to daydream as I read (this happened a lot). I would also pray every night for understanding and the ability to apply the teaching to my life.
The way missionaries sell the church to converts, and the way leaders sell the church to people growing up in the church, is to have them read the book of Mormon and have them pray about it. They quote a part of the book of Mormon that is at the end in Moroni 10:3: "Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts." The trick is that if you don't get an answer, the church is true anyways and you either did it wrong without enough faith, didn't understand the answer you did get, or you need to keep doing it until you get an answer. Heads, the church wins. Tails, you lose (the church wins).
So the night I finished reading the Book of Mormon I was excited. I fully expected something to happen. I knelt down, prayed, asked for a confirmation of the truthfulness, and waited. I felt nothing. I felt no outside source communicate anything to me. I suddenly saw myself as alone in my room and I felt alone. This terrified me. I stood up and paced back and forth in a panic. For a moment I was in an emotional free-fall and in complete terror.
Now here is the point where all the mind control and emotional manipulation came into play. There were lessons I had heard that were already there to prepare me for this situation. This same thing happens a lot so they tell of others that were confused and didn't receive an answer. They say they realized that their life was better and that the spirit was with them more as they read it and that the answer was already there and they had to see it. I remembered these lessons and told myself that mine was one of those situations and I consoled myself. I knew I was lying to myself at the time, but I needed to calm down to a point so I could go to bed and deal with it in the morning. Dealing with it was burying down my real feelings and telling myself that I needed to just keep going. I didn't dare entertain the idea that the church wasn't true. I was told that people who left the church were terrible people who loved Satan and sin and were just bitter people. I assumed it had to be true and the problem was with me. I needed to give more to the church and dedicate myself more. I needed to go on a mission and have experiences that would affirm my testimony of the church so I could truly know. Until then I would fake my testimony and keep trying.
You might think that faking it is a weird thing to do, but it is actually officially preached as what your are supposed to do. They actually tell you that you should say you "know" before you do and that by saying it, you will make it true. I am not making this shit up. This is really where I started the pattern of self abuse I was instructed to inflict upon myself. I was told, that if the church or spiritual feelings fall short, it was your fault and that just meant that you needed to do better. You needed to just pray more, do more things to invite the spirit, And ALWAYS pay 10% of your paycheck. This is the pattern that would haunt me on my mission and eventually lead to my suicide attempt. This is why I fucking hate the church.
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