In the Mormon church a mission is hammered into every boy who grows up in the church. You are expected to go. You are told you were put here in a Mormon family, by god, to go on a mission and bring the truth to people all over the world. 19 was the age for all young men to go and 21 was the age for women. The ages have changed to 18 for boys and 19 for girls. They encourage girls to get married instead of going on a mission, but make it optional for them.
They require each person who will go on a mission to be "worthy". This requires you to have one on one interviews with leaders and confess anything you have done. You are required to have been consistently attending church and paying 10% of your income to the church. You need to have read the Book of Mormon and studied other church materials. You have to confess any viewing of pornography or masturbation and it is required that you have restrained yourself from doing it at all for a set period of time. I think it is around 6 months. You have to confess any sexual things you have done with anyone else, and if you have done too much, you can't go. I may be wrong, but as I understand it, if you have had sex more than once then you are disqualified from going. You also have to have to follow the word of wisdom (no coffee, tea, alcohol, or drugs) and have to have repented for any breaking of it and are required to refrain for a certain period of time.
I was generally a good Mormon boy, so I hadn't broken the word of wisdom. I was a virgin and had only made out a couple of times and stayed at first base, so that wasn't an issue. Like pretty much every straight teen, I had looked at porn on the internet and I had discovered masturbation when I was like 8 so I had to confess that and refrain for a time. That was the most difficult for me, but I was determined to be worthy and I really did refrain and was honest with the leaders to go on a mission.
You also are required to go through the Mormon temple before you go on your mission. You have to pass the same worthiness interview for the temple. I will write an entire post on the temple. If you want to see the entire weird session here it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VrsFEiTpsQ
So as you are getting ready, they give you some paperwork to fill out. You tell them whether or not you would go overseas and are willing to learn a new language, general information about yourself and you also include a picture of yourself. After you fill out the packet and pass the worthiness interviews, you send it in and wait back to hear where you are going. I was pretty excited and it took about 3 weeks to get back to me. When I got it, I had all my family and friends over for me to open it. You have no idea where you are going until you get the letter and it is possible to go pretty much anywhere and learn any language. It tells you where and when you start. My mission was the Valencia, Venezuela mission. I reported to the training center on December 19, 2001.
Every missionary goes to the Missionary Training Center (MTC) before going on the mission. There are a few of them around the world, but the largest and main one is in Provo, UT. If you are going to learn a language, this is where you learn the basics. It is also where every missionary learns how to sell the church. Those who learn a new language go for 2 months and those who don't only are there for 2 weeks. I was learning Spanish so I was there for 2 months.
Going on a mission is really fucked up. You are not allowed to watch movies, listen to non-church music, read non-church books, follow the news, like any girls, or communicate with your family outside of letter writing. The only phone calls you can make are on Christmas and Mother's Day (Fathers can fuck off). You give up every part of your identity and give your entire life to the church. You have a set schedule at the MTC and every minute of the day is accounted for. You are to get up and go to bed at a certain time, study church materials, go to classes, and eat meals. The biggest decisions you get to make is what you eat from the cafeteria (it is just the BYU cafeteria food) and what you do with your gym time. They control everything you do and think and you are basically brain washed there. The main difference from a crazy cult is that they don't deprive you of sleep. You go to bed right at 10:30 and get up at 6:30.
It is amazing how crazy this is to me now. At the time, I grew up with the idea of going and was told how it would be, so it wasn't weird. They teach you not to allow yourself to think about worldly stuff. So if you are thinking about a song you like or your family or anything from your life before, you are expected to stop it and start thinking about church stuff. I really tried to be sincere and it lead to a lot of repression and emotional problems for me. I would feel guilty for enjoying anything that wasn't part of the church and would push it down. This didn't go away after the mission and I have struggled for years trying to not punish myself for enjoying things. This is a dirty little secret for the church. Tons of missionaries are developing emotional disorders such as depression and anxiety, and it isn't discussed much. The way the church works it that it can't possibly be a problem with the system since it came for god, so the problem is with the missionary. So not only do they give you a disorder, but then they tell you it is your fault for not dedicating yourself properly. You must have done something wrong and the answer to fix it is to push yourself to do what they say in a more obedient and exact way.
I feel like this post is too long and boring so I am going to stop here. I will write more about the MTC and what it was like going to Venezuela in the next post.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
The horror of praying about the Book of Mormon
I have decided to start writing my experience in the Mormon church and how I ended up leaving and becoming an atheist. I am not the best writer, but I hope this is of some interest to people and may even help those who might be thinking of leaving.
When I was 17 I finally read the Book of Mormon for the first time. Growing up, I found scripture reading to be very boring and would either do a very half-assed job of it or not do it at all. I would often feel guilty about it, but not guilty enough to actually do it. This changed when I was 17 for two reasons. First, every Mormon is expected to read the whole book of Mormon and pray about it. They are told they will receive an answer for themselves so they can know the church is true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet. Seems simple enough. And second, I was going to go on a mission for the church at 19 and I felt the pressure of having to be ready to go.
Before I go on, let me explain the idea of a mission in the Mormon church. Every young man in the church was expected to go on a mission at 19 (it has now been changed to 18). I was told for as long as I could remember that god wanted me to go on a mission and that it was my special calling as part of the true church. It was hammered into me over and over. I was generally a good kid who trusted my parents and church leaders and I just assumed the church to be true and that the mission was just part of my life. Along with college and getting married, the mission was just something you did to grow up.
So when I turned 17, I really started to feel like I should do my effort and gain more of a testimony about the church. I set out to read the book of Mormon and I really did try to do it sincerely. I would take notes of parts that I found inspirational and I would start again when I started to daydream as I read (this happened a lot). I would also pray every night for understanding and the ability to apply the teaching to my life.
The way missionaries sell the church to converts, and the way leaders sell the church to people growing up in the church, is to have them read the book of Mormon and have them pray about it. They quote a part of the book of Mormon that is at the end in Moroni 10:3: "Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts." The trick is that if you don't get an answer, the church is true anyways and you either did it wrong without enough faith, didn't understand the answer you did get, or you need to keep doing it until you get an answer. Heads, the church wins. Tails, you lose (the church wins).
So the night I finished reading the Book of Mormon I was excited. I fully expected something to happen. I knelt down, prayed, asked for a confirmation of the truthfulness, and waited. I felt nothing. I felt no outside source communicate anything to me. I suddenly saw myself as alone in my room and I felt alone. This terrified me. I stood up and paced back and forth in a panic. For a moment I was in an emotional free-fall and in complete terror.
Now here is the point where all the mind control and emotional manipulation came into play. There were lessons I had heard that were already there to prepare me for this situation. This same thing happens a lot so they tell of others that were confused and didn't receive an answer. They say they realized that their life was better and that the spirit was with them more as they read it and that the answer was already there and they had to see it. I remembered these lessons and told myself that mine was one of those situations and I consoled myself. I knew I was lying to myself at the time, but I needed to calm down to a point so I could go to bed and deal with it in the morning. Dealing with it was burying down my real feelings and telling myself that I needed to just keep going. I didn't dare entertain the idea that the church wasn't true. I was told that people who left the church were terrible people who loved Satan and sin and were just bitter people. I assumed it had to be true and the problem was with me. I needed to give more to the church and dedicate myself more. I needed to go on a mission and have experiences that would affirm my testimony of the church so I could truly know. Until then I would fake my testimony and keep trying.
You might think that faking it is a weird thing to do, but it is actually officially preached as what your are supposed to do. They actually tell you that you should say you "know" before you do and that by saying it, you will make it true. I am not making this shit up. This is really where I started the pattern of self abuse I was instructed to inflict upon myself. I was told, that if the church or spiritual feelings fall short, it was your fault and that just meant that you needed to do better. You needed to just pray more, do more things to invite the spirit, And ALWAYS pay 10% of your paycheck. This is the pattern that would haunt me on my mission and eventually lead to my suicide attempt. This is why I fucking hate the church.
When I was 17 I finally read the Book of Mormon for the first time. Growing up, I found scripture reading to be very boring and would either do a very half-assed job of it or not do it at all. I would often feel guilty about it, but not guilty enough to actually do it. This changed when I was 17 for two reasons. First, every Mormon is expected to read the whole book of Mormon and pray about it. They are told they will receive an answer for themselves so they can know the church is true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet. Seems simple enough. And second, I was going to go on a mission for the church at 19 and I felt the pressure of having to be ready to go.
Before I go on, let me explain the idea of a mission in the Mormon church. Every young man in the church was expected to go on a mission at 19 (it has now been changed to 18). I was told for as long as I could remember that god wanted me to go on a mission and that it was my special calling as part of the true church. It was hammered into me over and over. I was generally a good kid who trusted my parents and church leaders and I just assumed the church to be true and that the mission was just part of my life. Along with college and getting married, the mission was just something you did to grow up.
So when I turned 17, I really started to feel like I should do my effort and gain more of a testimony about the church. I set out to read the book of Mormon and I really did try to do it sincerely. I would take notes of parts that I found inspirational and I would start again when I started to daydream as I read (this happened a lot). I would also pray every night for understanding and the ability to apply the teaching to my life.
The way missionaries sell the church to converts, and the way leaders sell the church to people growing up in the church, is to have them read the book of Mormon and have them pray about it. They quote a part of the book of Mormon that is at the end in Moroni 10:3: "Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts." The trick is that if you don't get an answer, the church is true anyways and you either did it wrong without enough faith, didn't understand the answer you did get, or you need to keep doing it until you get an answer. Heads, the church wins. Tails, you lose (the church wins).
So the night I finished reading the Book of Mormon I was excited. I fully expected something to happen. I knelt down, prayed, asked for a confirmation of the truthfulness, and waited. I felt nothing. I felt no outside source communicate anything to me. I suddenly saw myself as alone in my room and I felt alone. This terrified me. I stood up and paced back and forth in a panic. For a moment I was in an emotional free-fall and in complete terror.
Now here is the point where all the mind control and emotional manipulation came into play. There were lessons I had heard that were already there to prepare me for this situation. This same thing happens a lot so they tell of others that were confused and didn't receive an answer. They say they realized that their life was better and that the spirit was with them more as they read it and that the answer was already there and they had to see it. I remembered these lessons and told myself that mine was one of those situations and I consoled myself. I knew I was lying to myself at the time, but I needed to calm down to a point so I could go to bed and deal with it in the morning. Dealing with it was burying down my real feelings and telling myself that I needed to just keep going. I didn't dare entertain the idea that the church wasn't true. I was told that people who left the church were terrible people who loved Satan and sin and were just bitter people. I assumed it had to be true and the problem was with me. I needed to give more to the church and dedicate myself more. I needed to go on a mission and have experiences that would affirm my testimony of the church so I could truly know. Until then I would fake my testimony and keep trying.
You might think that faking it is a weird thing to do, but it is actually officially preached as what your are supposed to do. They actually tell you that you should say you "know" before you do and that by saying it, you will make it true. I am not making this shit up. This is really where I started the pattern of self abuse I was instructed to inflict upon myself. I was told, that if the church or spiritual feelings fall short, it was your fault and that just meant that you needed to do better. You needed to just pray more, do more things to invite the spirit, And ALWAYS pay 10% of your paycheck. This is the pattern that would haunt me on my mission and eventually lead to my suicide attempt. This is why I fucking hate the church.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)